I punched a hole in my wall.
Mon Dec 26, 2011 3:30:13 am

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It helped; I'm much calmer now. I'll fix the wall tomorrow. My hand might be broken, I don't know. Not really capable of giving a fuck about it at the moment.

She'd been feeling bad all day today. We IMed for a while and I helped her the best I could, then her mother came and she felt better for a little bit. Then the attacks hit her again and . . . now this.

It's only been a couple hours, but . . . honestly, already I feel lost. My world is a lot darker than it was this morning and life doesn't seem very worthwhile at the moment. A very large part of my soul died tonight.

Feelings come in waves. I get these shakes, and my heart alternately aches for her, then swells in hatred of the fact that the most wonderful person I've ever known was born into such a fucking worthless family. She deserved so much better than they could ever give her. Then I blame myself. If I'd said the right thing, it would have triggered something and she would have listened. Total numbness follows sheer panic, then I can't breathe. I've used an inhaler several times in the last hour; I haven't needed one since I was 10.

I think I should send another message to her cousin in the morning, let her know it's not her fault that she was asleep. After that, I have no idea what I'm going to do about . . . well, anything, really.

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight, because it means waking up and not being able to speak with her tomorrow. I guess I'll see how long I can stay awake. Maybe I can beat my old record of 2 weeks. (Irrational solution, I know, but it's the only one I can think of. Anyway, I've got nothing better to do.)

I doubt you'll be seeing me around here for a long time. Not that you guys are unimportant to me . . . you're the best group of people I know. But I loved Amor, and logging in here and not seeing her posts and comments; being constantly reminded, by her absence, that the reason she's not here is because she's dead? Yeah, my strength has its limits and that's just not something I can fucking handle.

Those of you who have my email, phone number, address, whatever, are welcome to keep in touch, if you wish. I'm really not the best at staying in contact with people, though.

Take care, you guys. See ya.