Untitled Post
Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:49:02 am

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For the first time in forever I had a date. Well it wasn't officially a date, we were both quite clear that we were only looking to make friends with people with similar interests. Of course we both knew, and we all know, that this is scared person speak but whatever, we met. He is a musician, a very accomplished one at that and his compositions made my heart bleed. And he seemed intelligent and communicated in a direct manner and didn't try to be funny too much. So I agreed to meet him.

Neither of us wanted long e-covos as we both prefer to look someone in the eye as we get to know them. And so it went, and we got on. And he was interesting and I was interesting and we understood each other and we talked about music and art and philosophy.

At the end of the evening he looked me in the eye and stroked my cheek and his touch and the way he looked at me and the way he was with me made me want to run a million miles. I knew he was a gentle, sensitive, hesitant lover. Not only from his touch but from the meter of his conversation.

Now here is the part I hate about online dating, because I had already formed the opinion that he was sexually submissive from the questions he answered so I wonder if this has coloured my judgement although I'm pretty sure I went in with a blank page as I know all that question stuff is bullshit.

I just know that I felt nothing. I know that I have met similarly sensitive, artistic men before and I have connected with them equally well. However when bedroom time came they left me cold. They waited for my cues, expected me to lead and treated me with kit gloves. I feel like I should take this as an expression of respect but it literally turns me frigid.

Trying to understand this. I am turned on by men who are confident and sexually aggressive and this is the measure I have made my previous relationships by. The relationships that have gone arse over tit because we had no intellectual or spiritual connection or understanding and they were idiot domineering bastards. So I decide to go for men that I can have a connection with even though they have never been sexually compatible with me. Generalise much?

Perhaps I have a pathology. Perhaps I need to learn to make love without the power play. Perhaps I am too greedy to want both. I know if I had to choose one or the other I'd choose the connection over the sex and perhaps hope that as I enter my 40's that I just won't care about sex any more. But he still will, and I can't enjoy sex with a man who doesn't want to TAKE me. Who waits for my agreement, who second guesses and who spends too long going down because he wants to please me while I am bored shitless and wish he would just be a man and fuck the hell out of me.

There is potential here for something good. Don't want to force something that isn't meant to be but equally don't want to put a block on it because of something that is wrong with me, especially something I could fix. Somehow I think its just not happening this time. I just confuse myself so much.