 | pinkphilosoraptor |
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Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:18:29 am
The man is sexy. He's also Mr. Miami.
I don't fit into that world. I do not desire to, actually.
So I've been talking to Julio and he is from that world. He wants to take me to NAMEOFFANCYHOTEL to have expensive drinks poolside, then NAMEOFFANCYRESTAURANT to have an expensive dinner, then NAMEOFFANCYSOUTHBEACHCLUB to dance with expensive looking people.
I'm not Miss Miami. I don't wear short dresses that end just below my ass and begin just above my nipps on my expensive large breasts. And I don't feel comfortable trying to impress someone with that kind of competition around me. Say all you want for personality (which, mine is sort of bitchy - not the amazing kind of personality to have), but in the end, looks win out. I'm pretty sure that's why Khaled got rid of me. Khaled is another Mr. Miami minus the money - though his credit cards beg to differ along with his family history. Julio has the money. And he said he has had problems with women being insecure in his relationships before. Guess what, it's really hard to not be when you're not a model nor can you afford to dress like one and your boyfriend is surrounded by models.
Bottom line: I am insecure. I have been my whole life. I'm not sure if I give off that vibe now because I try to hide it because no one wants an insecure person, but at the end of the day, I AM INSECURE.
Does an insecure person ever overcome it? I think most of the time I'm pretty good at faking it/actually being secure, but it's still a part of me.
I still see the acne scars prior to accutane's miracles. I see uneven color of my teeth from braces. I see the awkward, left-handed girl. I see the girl that a boy once convinced after many months of verbal abuse that she was only good for sex and no one would ever want her beyond her body. I still see the trashy family. I still see the POS car that barely runs. I still see the rundown house. There's no style...no class.
Julio is moving to South Beach. That's too far from me, I think. He said that he doesn't mind doing the driving. Doesn't he get that I like autonomy? That I like not always having to be dependent on someone to take me places and to pay for my meals? When you take away that, what then becomes my part? To look pretty? I suck at that. I like being average, girl-next-door. It's easy and it doesn't set me up for failure and I want to be accepted as such BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN I WAKE UP.
Now I've successfully made myself feel like shit. =(
Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:19:57 am
I have noticed that you are insecure.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:20:39 am
You are far above average.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:39:24 am
agrees with: comment#1
I have noticed that you are insecure.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:42:38 am
Back when I was 16 or 17, my friend and I spent every Saturday night one summer just walking in the club area by south beach checking out women and smiling at them with homemade fake vampire teeth in our mouths. We just wanted to see boobs and confuse people, and both plans worked perfectly.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:49:19 am
re: comment#5
Back when I was 16 or 17, my friend and I spent every Saturday night one summer just walking in the club area by south beach checking out women and smiling at them with homemade fake vampire teeth in our mouths. We just wanted to see boobs and confuse people, and both plans worked perfectly.
♥
Thu Jan 19, 2012 7:54:29 am
re: comment#5
Back when I was 16 or 17, my friend and I spent every Saturday night one summer just walking in the club area by south beach checking out women and smiling at them with homemade fake vampire teeth in our mouths. We just wanted to see boobs and confuse people, and both plans worked perfectly.
♥Thu Jan 19, 2012 7:55:37 am
Just because we see ourselves in one way, does not mean that is what other people see...or sometimes, that it is even true.
I can't even list my insecurities like you just did because I don't want to point them out, just in case someone might actually overlook them. ♥
Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:43:20 am
I am now going to tell another pointless story.
I have been in 2 strip clubs in my life. I paid neither time, was waiting for an employee at each. Now, just like restaurants, the nicer a strip club is, the better the clientele and the better the tips and the more MONEY.
One was pretty much what you'd expect, a dark really-dirty-Denny's like building that you want to disinfect the seat before you sit down. Fake boobs and drugs. Really scuzy. I was pretty uncomfortable (though I am uncomfortable most public places), since the atmosphere spoke of creepiness and darkness (of the soul). The pervo's were all obviously pervo's and skeezing out was their hobby, and they didn't have all that much money, or at least they weren't generous with it.
The second one was nothing like I would have expected. Clean, a carefree, chill vibe. Kind of the vibe of a pinball bar, everyone having fun and smiling, well-lit. Obviously, way more money in this club. I was told it was the crown jewel club of the owners' (because if you own one strip club, you own several). I could see going there an actually hanging out with people and having a good time. In fact, the hour I was there was a very good time. The clientele was rich college kids and business men. Even the pervo's seemed rather respectable (my friend pointed out the regulars).
The owners of either club were not new. Most of the strip club "chains" around here are comprised of good clubs, middle clubs, and crappy clubs. They staff their clubs based on what attracts the kind of money that club makes. The scuzy club was full of drugged out huge fake boobs. The classy, rich club didn't have a single fake breast and only one girl over a B cup (there were some girls with literally NO tits). The girls were healthy and engaging, they seemed fairly intelligent overall.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:37:10 pm
I would also love to sit on pitbull's face. My intent is obviously not as sexy as yours.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:38:02 pm
Don't you know that everyone is above average, you have other factors besides the one's you're now dwelling on. It seems to me that the one's you are mentioning are all physical, outward attributes that in time matter little. These are the things that others first looking at you gauge, not the one's that take time to discover and end up being long lasting. Wanting to fit in and go with the trend is fine, but it will fade, change and you will still be there with your better qualities. Now, eat your dinner, snuggle up and go to bed...Nighty-night.
no image
12) deleted, Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:46:28 pm
agrees with: comment#11
Don't you know that everyone is above average, you have other factors besides the one's you're now dwelling on. It seems to me that the one's you are mentioning are all physical, outward attributes that in time matter little. These are the things that others first looking at you gauge, not the one's that take time to discover and end up being long lasting. Wanting to fit in and go with the trend is fine, but it will fade, change and you will still be there with your better qualities. Now, eat your dinner, snuggle up and go to bed...Nighty-night.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:43:52 pm
I used to know a gal who claimed she used to hang around with Pit Bull and his posse. This was before he was as famous as he is now. But who knows.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:25:11 pm
You do outgrow being insecure. It takes time and effort but it can be done. Not that one does not feel less pretty than another at times or even down on themselves but the difference is you can pull out of the tailspin before you can crash and burn.
You know i think you are beautiful. One day I believe you will know it yourself.
I would never let a guy pay for me all the time just because my pride would not allow it. I like treating people even if it is just a shake at mcdonalds. Usually, though I will make/write them something because I can't do the material stuff for lack of money.
Let the guy know how you feel about things like that. He is smart enough to want to be with you so he thinks you are awesome. I am sure he does not have any idea that you think you are not as pretty as the 'models' he has hanging around.
Hugs, girl.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:38:32 pm
re: comment#8
Just because we see ourselves in one way, does not mean that is what other people see...or sometimes, that it is even true.
I can't even list my insecurities like you just did because I don't want to point them out, just in case someone might actually overlook them. ♥
She is wise.
I can't even list my insecurities like you just did because I don't want to point them out, just in case someone might actually overlook them. ♥
I used to be very insecure until over time I realized that I am who I am.......the Eurasian smart chick in an almost all white town if people can't handle any of those things then they are the ones missing out on an awesome person. You can't be all things to all people at all times, but you can learn to love yourself and be all things to yourself 100% of the time.
Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:45:21 pm
re: comment#15
She is wise.
I used to be very insecure until over time I realized that I am who I am.......the Eurasian smart chick in an almost all white town if people can't handle any of those things then they are the ones missing out on an awesome person. You can't be all things to all people at all times, but you can learn to love yourself and be all things to yourself 100% of the time.
♥I used to be very insecure until over time I realized that I am who I am.......the Eurasian smart chick in an almost all white town if people can't handle any of those things then they are the ones missing out on an awesome person. You can't be all things to all people at all times, but you can learn to love yourself and be all things to yourself 100% of the time.
no image
17) captainwanker, Fri Jan 20, 2012 7:02:26 am
You want what Julio has, you're just not comfortable having it. This will not play out well, until you resolve that conflict. Either accept that discomfort, or re-assess that that is what you want.
