 | happycycling |
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Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:56:34 pm
Tim wrote me an email full of his usual detached waffling on Wednesday, 6 days after i made my declaration (and after i made a once-filtered journal entry about it available for him to read).
i talked to him via IM on Thursday. after this conversation i realized i was not in as righteous a position as i thought myself to be - he's not interested in being in a relationship with me because my life is a failure. i was at my parents' house that evening and was going to stay the night, but around 3am i decided i was too upset to get any sleep, so i made the hour-plus drive back to my apartment and stayed up until 6 or so (i'm not sure; i fell asleep at the computer).
yesterday (Friday) i contacted him again and began needling him to hit me with all my other pitfalls. he obliged, to an extent, which was enough to leave me crying until i'd given myself a headache. my dad's birthday dinner was supposed to be this night, but i lied and told my mom that i'd thrown up and didn't feel well enough to meet them.
i messed up my dad's birthday plans, and now i'm at it again.
and no, i don't know what the fuck i'm trying to do, in case you were going to ask.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:17:50 pm
he didn't exactly call any out; just agreed with things i was saying (i'm not good for anyone unless they want to take me on as a fixer-upper, my life has stayed shit while his has gotten steadily better, etc)
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:23:41 pm
chronic depression & unemployment, failing out of my masters program, lack of interest & motivation in most areas of my life, inability to figure out how to pull myself up by the bootstraps, blah blah blah
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:41:19 pm
re: comment#2
chronic depression & unemployment, failing out of my masters program, lack of interest & motivation in most areas of my life, inability to figure out how to pull myself up by the bootstraps, blah blah blah
Are you good with your hands?I have noticed how many people make random shit and sell them to people on the internet. They will give you a sense of accomplishment and make some money.
Examples:
One
Two
no image
4) chakra, Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:42:55 pm
"he's not interested in being in a relationship with me because my life is a failure"? This guy seems hardly qualified to decide whose life is failing and whose isn't. I'd shut him down hard. Completely block that kind of person out. It's only emotionally damaging for you.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:44:44 pm
i have, but not recently. all it did was cause me to lose money faster.
possibly. i need to be hit in the face with the harsh truth every so often.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:50:49 pm
re: comment#3
Are you good with your hands?
I have noticed how many people make random shit and sell them to people on the internet. They will give you a sense of accomplishment and make some money.
Examples:
One
Two
i have an etsy shop. the income and sense of accomplishment it generates is negligible.I have noticed how many people make random shit and sell them to people on the internet. They will give you a sense of accomplishment and make some money.
Examples:
One
Two
creating my own website isn't going to happen because a) i suck at web design and would not be willing to invest the money required for someone to do it for me, and b) i'm shit at marketing/promotion/sticking with a project for more than a month.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:55:50 pm
Judging by your responses, I would say that it's not your objective circumstances, but your perception of them that is the problem right now.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:01:41 pm
re: comment#4
"he's not interested in being in a relationship with me because my life is a failure"? This guy seems hardly qualified to decide whose life is failing and whose isn't. I'd shut him down hard. Completely block that kind of person out. It's only emotionally damaging for you.
those are my words, not his. and it's true - he's had a steady, respectable job for two and a half years, and has a well-kept, spacious flat in a nice neighborhood. i've been without steady work for nearly three years, was a colossal failure at my graduate program, periods of debilitating depression, and can't figure out for the life of me what to do with myself. if anything, i'm emotionally damaging for him.Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:08:34 pm
was this comment directed at me? i don't think we're incompatible; i just think i'm a fuckup and he's tired of it.
tolls and fuel. i was paying up to $10 a day to drive up to 120 miles round trip to either sit around doing nothing for 5 hours or get horrid sunburn.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:10:15 pm
re: comment#7
Judging by your responses, I would say that it's not your objective circumstances, but your perception of them that is the problem right now.
i'm pretty sure my objective circumstances are at least a significant part of the problem.Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:14:33 pm
re: comment#10
i'm pretty sure my objective circumstances are at least a significant part of the problem.
Anything specific you wish to achieve at this stage?Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:15:47 pm
re: comment#11
Anything specific you wish to achieve at this stage?
what sort of thing?Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:17:57 pm
re: comment#12
what sort of thing?
Anything beyond staying alive and carry out your normal bodily functions.Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:23:31 pm
re: comment#13
Anything beyond staying alive and carry out your normal bodily functions.
i'm not sure i would list "staying alive" as a goal.Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:27:11 pm
re: comment#14
i'm not sure i would list "staying alive" as a goal.
Well, it does take some effort to stay alive. Do you have an answer to my original question?
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:34:05 pm
disagrees with: comment#15
Well, it does take some effort to stay alive.
Do you have an answer to my original question?
Do you have an answer to my original question?
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:37:46 pm
NJ Audubon society (where they had me watch the freaking gift shop). i also helped out two ecology grad students with their research.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:47:30 pm
there's still a long way to rock bottom, sadly. and i'm always evaluating and reevaluating and nothing ever makes any more sense.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:49:12 pm
i would rather be bored than work with children. and i would rather have a paying job than a non-paying one.
Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:05:07 pm
It appears that at this stage, nothing we can say here will alter your view, this is very unfortunate, I will see what I can do in the coming days.
