 | happycycling |
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Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:15:12 am
I've been "talking" (sort of against my will) to a guy with some form of autism. I made the mistake of asking in this thread whether he had any mental or developmental disorders, and he emailed me this treatise about his sexual inclinations rooted in his childhood. I suggested that he seek professional help to enable him to engage with the world in a healthier manner, and he sent me two more long emails going on about how he knows it's unhealthy and examples of ways that women interact with men that piss him off (which are perfectly legitimate and rational things, it turns out).
There are some fucked. up. people on that dang site.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:17:23 am
Have you seen this? http://www.okcupid.com/profile/erdos1/journal/12641144828300892343/Haven%27t-had-hate-mail-in-a-while
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:30:29 am
re: comment#2
There are some fucked. up. people on that dang site.
Indeed.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:31:43 am
agrees with: comment#4
i'd say that this case is different from the message that you received, because the guy who emailed me has a developmental disorder and probably can't help it, whereas the guy who emailed you was most likely just being an overreactive asshole.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:32:08 am
Either way, they both have problems that make successful dating difficult.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:40:37 am
should i post the emails, or would that be too douchey of me?
Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:43:33 am
re: comment#7
should i post the emails, or would that be too douchey of me?
poooooooostWed Jul 14, 2010 4:54:55 am
re: comment#8
poooooooost
To answer your questionJul. 12, 2010 – 9:35pm
"OP, do you have any psychological or developmental disorders/abnormalities/whatever you want to call them? i have a suspicion, but i don't want to say anything without asking you first."
Yes, I'm definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum, most likely Asperger's, which is how I was diagnosed as a child. I just don't like to advertise it on the forums, as it gives one more reason for people not to like me. But you seem quite understanding and also really right on with your assessment of things--I would say you single-handedly doubled the level of critical thinking on that thread.
I have tried to meet women through organizations and forums devoted to the spectrum, without any luck. Online there are never people who live nearby, and in person there are few women. Also, unfortunately, the women seem to be vastly more "normal" than a lot of us men, at least in the sense of relating to the opposite sex. They are like good old "fenmoss" on here, where instead of their "creepy meter" being totally broken, as mine seems to be, they find us men on the spectrum almost as bad as normal women do. A LOT of my musings these days are about why even autistic women, whose brains are in many ways quite male-typical, and also quite obsessive, still don't tend to develop the weird-guy-type sexual obsessions.
Though I have started to hear from women on the spectrum who complain about being judged as creepy, so it's possible. I also have gotten to know one woman in particular who was quite sexually aggressive as a small child. Now I wasn't *really* sexual, in the sense of any focus on genitals, but I had a need to pet girls my age, and to a lesser extent (or at least they let me know more forcefully it wasn't OK) adult women, almost like they were kittens. I'd call it a sexual interest out of lack of anything better to call it. That already creeped them out, or at least bothered them in some way. But this woman was overtly sexual toward boys and girls her age back in elementary, and oddly the boys were the ones who didn't like it. I have found this woman and I understand each other really well, as we share the same kind of primal but in a way also gentle and silly pervertedness. Unfortunately she doesn't live anywhere nearby. I think there is something about having a sexual or otherwise physical interest in the opposite sex that developmentally precedes a social interest in them, as opposed to the other way around, that makes it hard to relate to anyone who didn't grow up that way. And curiously, that precocious feeling went away when I was 7 or 8, and I was actually 2-3 years LATE developing real sexual feelings at puberty. But I think it still may have left its mark.
Also, I have thought that there may be a key difference between giving and receiving sexual energy. In other words, when people think of a child being abused, they think of the child being the receiver of the sexual energy, which might feel much more "icky" than if the child were the one instigating the whole thing. And I really would have only wanted it with females, or maybe really cute males, though unfortunately women who like boys (even of age) seem to be the rarest of the four combinations of the sexes--even though the "cougar" trend is doing something to change that. So I think it may have been helpful to me if some female had reciprocated my sexual energy as a little kid, as not only would I have let out some frustration, it would give me a less one-sided perspective, and maybe would have even given me a "springboard" to motivate learning reciprocity in other domains, which my autistic traits made me tend not to do. Sometimes I think females have it SO easy, in that for us men it's even difficult to get enough sexual attention to be able to gain a clue on how to healthily give and receive such attention! I figure the only way out is to find a woman who is very sexually forward toward me.
I hope this clarifies that thread for you!
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:04:10 am
re: comment#9
To answer your question
Jul. 12, 2010 – 9:35pm
"OP, do you have any psychological or developmental disorders/abnormalities/whatever you want to call them? i have a suspicion, but i don't want to say anything without asking you first."
Yes, I'm definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum, most likely Asperger's, which is how I was diagnosed as a child. I just don't like to advertise it on the forums, as it gives one more reason for people not to like me. But you seem quite understanding and also really right on with your assessment of things--I would say you single-handedly doubled the level of critical thinking on that thread.
I have tried to meet women through organizations and forums devoted to the spectrum, without any luck. Online there are never people who live nearby, and in person there are few women. Also, unfortunately, the women seem to be vastly more "normal" than a lot of us men, at least in the sense of relating to the opposite sex. They are like good old "fenmoss" on here, where instead of their "creepy meter" being totally broken, as mine seems to be, they find us men on the spectrum almost as bad as normal women do. A LOT of my musings these days are about why even autistic women, whose brains are in many ways quite male-typical, and also quite obsessive, still don't tend to develop the weird-guy-type sexual obsessions.
Though I have started to hear from women on the spectrum who complain about being judged as creepy, so it's possible. I also have gotten to know one woman in particular who was quite sexually aggressive as a small child. Now I wasn't *really* sexual, in the sense of any focus on genitals, but I had a need to pet girls my age, and to a lesser extent (or at least they let me know more forcefully it wasn't OK) adult women, almost like they were kittens. I'd call it a sexual interest out of lack of anything better to call it. That already creeped them out, or at least bo...
well. knowing he has asperger's, i wouldn't view anything he has said as creepy. even the petting....people with autism usually are very tactile people. I knew a girl who had to be "petted" on the arm whenever she became really upset--it was the only thing that would calm her down. Jul. 12, 2010 – 9:35pm
"OP, do you have any psychological or developmental disorders/abnormalities/whatever you want to call them? i have a suspicion, but i don't want to say anything without asking you first."
Yes, I'm definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum, most likely Asperger's, which is how I was diagnosed as a child. I just don't like to advertise it on the forums, as it gives one more reason for people not to like me. But you seem quite understanding and also really right on with your assessment of things--I would say you single-handedly doubled the level of critical thinking on that thread.
I have tried to meet women through organizations and forums devoted to the spectrum, without any luck. Online there are never people who live nearby, and in person there are few women. Also, unfortunately, the women seem to be vastly more "normal" than a lot of us men, at least in the sense of relating to the opposite sex. They are like good old "fenmoss" on here, where instead of their "creepy meter" being totally broken, as mine seems to be, they find us men on the spectrum almost as bad as normal women do. A LOT of my musings these days are about why even autistic women, whose brains are in many ways quite male-typical, and also quite obsessive, still don't tend to develop the weird-guy-type sexual obsessions.
Though I have started to hear from women on the spectrum who complain about being judged as creepy, so it's possible. I also have gotten to know one woman in particular who was quite sexually aggressive as a small child. Now I wasn't *really* sexual, in the sense of any focus on genitals, but I had a need to pet girls my age, and to a lesser extent (or at least they let me know more forcefully it wasn't OK) adult women, almost like they were kittens. I'd call it a sexual interest out of lack of anything better to call it. That already creeped them out, or at least bo...
at the same time, sometimes it's a really hard to relate to those with autism as they see the world in a different way.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:13:03 am
Aspies are drama queens. Best to just leave them to their insanity and find someone less crazy.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:13:21 am
re: comment#10
well. knowing he has asperger's, i wouldn't view anything he has said as creepy. even the petting....people with autism usually are very tactile people. I knew a girl who had to be "petted" on the arm whenever she became really upset--it was the only thing that would calm her down.
at the same time, sometimes it's a really hard to relate to those with autism as they see the world in a different way.
OH, IT GETS BETTERat the same time, sometimes it's a really hard to relate to those with autism as they see the world in a different way.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:15:00 am
re: comment#11
Aspies are drama queens. Best to just leave them to their insanity and find someone less crazy.
meh, there are quite a few AS people who can function quite normally in society. i refuse to let the really fubar ones sully their good names.Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:17:58 am
my reply:
I really think you should see a therapist or other mental/behavioral health professional, if only so you can learn ways to better deal with the way the world. Your situation does not seem healthy to me.
his second email:
Sorry, I have seen those before. Yes, they may be able to help with certain areas of my life, but not with this issue. And yes, I know it's very unhealthy, and is really holding back my whole life right now.
What I really need is a nice woman to take the lead and actually "initiate" me into the world of sexuality. Maybe not full sex--just sexuality. Maybe even guide me to approach her sexually in the way she likes. At this point I see such a woman either being totally desperate for any man who shows her attention, or else someone very understanding who is willing to completely lay aside any notions of the "best she can get" for the time being and just work with me until I have started to learn about relationships. The latter seems far healthier and in fact more likely to exist. Of course, there is also the possibility of paying for it, which I have considered (and may still do), but I resent the very fact that women want payment to do something so natural.
What I don't need is more women who will "pass the buck" by asking me to talk to someone else, or "just go meet women". That's part of the reason I don't have good female friends. To me, a good friend is one who would understand me enough to at least take down her sexual wall partway if it helps me learn what this part of life is all about. Of course I would respect that show of consideration by not doing anything that would get her pregnant, or cause her other health problems. Even getting women who are willing to explain their side of the story clearly is really difficult.
I truly do not understand why this is so incredibly hard for nearly every woman--though I admit I haven't directly asked that many. Though I have found some women who are not like this through autism groups online. They, in turn, have trouble forming friendships with women too. I'm hoping to meet some of them on here--that's the whole reason I joined.
third email:
Oh, and just to give you an idea of the ridiculous stuff I hear from some very unhelpful women about this:
Recently I read about a sexually frustrated woman said that she feared it would be using a man, ***who wanted sex with her***, to have sex with him even though she had no intention of doing it again in the future. In other words, that it would be worse to accept him and later turn him down than to reject him from the beginning.
This is an absolute outrage to me, because it overlooks the fact that for some of us guys, just getting an INKLING of what it's like to be sexually involved with another human being could straighten out many of our misconceptions and put us on the way to resolving our issues. We are in a "catch 22" where we cannot get a clue until a woman opens up to us in this way, yet no women are willing to take that brave step (about as brave as getting in the car in the morning, IMO) of even beginning to try and understand a man who doesn't have such a clue. Even getting hurt a little by our bubbles getting burst when sex is not how we thought it was is MUUUUUUCH worse than not being able to see out of our bubbles in the first place. Women talk incessantly about how men try to speak for them instead of giving them their own voice--well here is a woman who puts nonsense in a MAN's mouth.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:25:50 am
re: comment#10
well. knowing he has asperger's, i wouldn't view anything he has said as creepy. even the petting....people with autism usually are very tactile people. I knew a girl who had to be "petted" on the arm whenever she became really upset--it was the only thing that would calm her down.
at the same time, sometimes it's a really hard to relate to those with autism as they see the world in a different way.
I like to pet women and none of them have said anything about it being creepy. That could be because it's quite uncreepy compared to some of the other things that I like to do.at the same time, sometimes it's a really hard to relate to those with autism as they see the world in a different way.
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:28:24 am
re: comment#14
my reply:
I really think you should see a therapist or other mental/behavioral health professional, if only so you can learn ways to better deal with the way the world. Your situation does not seem healthy to me.
his second email:
Sorry, I have seen those before. Yes, they may be able to help with certain areas of my life, but not with this issue. And yes, I know it's very unhealthy, and is really holding back my whole life right now.
What I really need is a nice woman to take the lead and actually "initiate" me into the world of sexuality. Maybe not full sex--just sexuality. Maybe even guide me to approach her sexually in the way she likes. At this point I see such a woman either being totally desperate for any man who shows her attention, or else someone very understanding who is willing to completely lay aside any notions of the "best she can get" for the time being and just work with me until I have started to learn about relationships. The latter seems far healthier and in fact more likely to exist. Of course, there is also the possibility of paying for it, which I have considered (and may still do), but I resent the very fact that women want payment to do something so natural.
What I don't need is more women who will "pass the buck" by asking me to talk to someone else, or "just go meet women". That's part of the reason I don't have good female friends. To me, a good friend is one who would understand me enough to at least take down her sexual wall partway if it helps me learn what this part of life is all about. Of course I would respect that show of consideration by not doing anything that would get her pregnant, or cause her other health problems. Even getting women who are willing to explain their side of the story clearly is really difficult.
I truly do not understand why this is so incredibly hard for nearly every woman--though I admit I haven't directly as...
I think he could benefit from the services of a prostitute.I really think you should see a therapist or other mental/behavioral health professional, if only so you can learn ways to better deal with the way the world. Your situation does not seem healthy to me.
his second email:
Sorry, I have seen those before. Yes, they may be able to help with certain areas of my life, but not with this issue. And yes, I know it's very unhealthy, and is really holding back my whole life right now.
What I really need is a nice woman to take the lead and actually "initiate" me into the world of sexuality. Maybe not full sex--just sexuality. Maybe even guide me to approach her sexually in the way she likes. At this point I see such a woman either being totally desperate for any man who shows her attention, or else someone very understanding who is willing to completely lay aside any notions of the "best she can get" for the time being and just work with me until I have started to learn about relationships. The latter seems far healthier and in fact more likely to exist. Of course, there is also the possibility of paying for it, which I have considered (and may still do), but I resent the very fact that women want payment to do something so natural.
What I don't need is more women who will "pass the buck" by asking me to talk to someone else, or "just go meet women". That's part of the reason I don't have good female friends. To me, a good friend is one who would understand me enough to at least take down her sexual wall partway if it helps me learn what this part of life is all about. Of course I would respect that show of consideration by not doing anything that would get her pregnant, or cause her other health problems. Even getting women who are willing to explain their side of the story clearly is really difficult.
I truly do not understand why this is so incredibly hard for nearly every woman--though I admit I haven't directly as...
Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:29:58 am
re: comment#17
I think he could benefit from the services of a prostitute.
but it's SO NATURAL! how could any woman want to profit from such a thing?!?Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:30:40 am
re: comment#18
but it's SO NATURAL! how could any woman want to profit from such a thing?!?
Eating is natural, but restaurants make profits.Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:32:53 am
re: comment#19
Eating is natural, but restaurants make profits.
i was being sarcastic, btw.the analogy i would have drawn is that growing food is natural, but you still have to buy it from somebody unless you grow it yourself.
