 | udosero |
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Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:52:54 pm
When I was young, I didn't know who she was. She visited several times a year and primarily had lengthy conversations with my grandmother. The fact that she was my grandmother's eldest sister was not a secret. In fact, she was referred to with the Chinese terminology which has that exact meaning, but familial relationships have a complex taxonomy in Chinese, and none of it made sense to me when I was a young boy.
She was just a stranger to me who never talked to me when she visited. I also didn't give her many opportunities. I tried to hide as much as possible from strangers who visited my home. Hiding was sometimes not permitted, but it was not a problem at all when my grandmother's sister visited. She was the matriarch of the clan and I would have been a distraction in serious adult conversation.
Whenever she visited, special rice bowls were used for our meals. These bowls were reserved exclusively for use when she visited. For this reason, I secretly called her "The Bowl Lady".
I did not discover how she was related to me until she died. My grandmother received the news over the phone. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I knew about death already, but I had not yet learned the Chinese euphemisms for it. My sister explained to me what had happened and who it happened to. That was when I discovered that The Bowl Lady was my grandmother's sister.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:55:25 pm
I was going to write about my grandmother because it's her 99th birthday today, but I already wrote about her death before and the most salient memory of her life at the moment is actually a memory about her sister.
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2) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:30:11 pm
When I returned to India over the summer, I met all of my grandmother's brothers and sisters again after 4 years. When she was alive and when I visited them with her they hardly made any interaction with me, similar to your grandmother's sister.
I mean they looked at me but it may also have to do with me not able to speak the language well. I think I also gave off a 'I'm not comfortable talking, or I'm too out of place cause I'm American and young impression" 4 years ago. My grandma's youngest brother's sons whose age were close to mine and older were happy to acknowledge me and talk to me.
This year though, after my grandmother passed away I returned to be greeted with welcomes, and invitations to their homes whenever I came to visit again. I am not sure if my peaceful, pleasant "I'm Indian as well" impression mood helped this. It's probably a combination. Well, I'm a relatively nice person so there would be no reason not to invite me back. I mean complete strangers in the family (distant, by marriage relations) have liked me enough to invite me back to their homes.
I am also my grandmother's oldest grandchild, and who knows when I will go back. My mother gave no impression she will come back again. So they extended the invitation to me.
I was happy to be acknowledged even though it probably has greatly to do with keeping connections to our side of the family.
There was this one event with my grandmother's oldest sister. She's the healthiest out of all them as she entered old age. She is the oldest of them. She was a wealthy woman and a matriarch. She treated others badly without no apparent guilt. She was quite the opposite of my grandmother, my grandmother was strict but she was compassionate- she gave all of belongings and property to others, non family related strangers in need.
But her family does not want to take care of her, at least the wealthy ones. So says living with her daughter who is extremely poor. I saw the grandmother's oldest sister 4 years ago. She looked grand. I was disheartened to see her in the poor conditions, she was not being taken care of properly. Though, I drew joy from her strong, powerful personality that she still had. I had a long conversation with her in private. Her family members and my mother went to talk elsewhere in the house while I sat across from grandmother's oldest sister in her room. I never had the chance to talk with any of my grandmother's siblings. Usually I feel intimidated, or the fact that I couldn't speak well left me hesitant to talk.
Well, I could not pass up this opportunity. I'd probably never meet her again. She was the oldest, a strong character even in the poorest setting, and I was alone with her. (Besides, I went to all my grandmother's siblings because I felt my grandmother in them, or bits of their personality reminded me of her. I felt comforted in their presence. ) I enjoyed what she had to say and she understood what I said without much trouble at all! She talked about her sisters. I hope she passes away never broken. I will probably not be there when she passes away. She is 97, in the upper nineties or even 100.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:39:17 pm
re: comment#2
When I returned to India over the summer, I met all of my grandmother's brothers and sisters again after 4 years. When she was alive and when I visited them with her they hardly made any interaction with me, similar to your grandmother's sister.
I mean they looked at me but it may also have to do with me not able to speak the language well. I think I also gave off a 'I'm not comfortable talking, or I'm too out of place cause I'm American and young impression" 4 years ago. My grandma's youngest brother's sons whose age were close to mine and older were happy to acknowledge me and talk to me.
This year though, after my grandmother passed away I returned to be greeted with welcomes, and invitations to their homes whenever I came to visit again. I am not sure if my peaceful, pleasant "I'm Indian as well" impression mood helped this. It's probably a combination. Well, I'm a relatively nice person so there would be no reason not to invite me back. I mean complete strangers in the family (distant, by marriage relations) have liked me enough to invite me back to their homes.
I am also my grandmother's oldest grandchild, and who knows when I will go back. My mother gave no impression she will come back again. So they extended the invitation to me.
I was happy to be acknowledged even though it probably has greatly to do with keeping connections to our side of the family.
There was this one event with my grandmother's oldest sister. She's the healthiest out of all them as she entered old age. She is the oldest of them. She was a wealthy woman and a matriarch. She treated others badly without no apparent guilt. She was quite the opposite of my grandmother, my grandmother was strict but she was compassionate- she gave all of belongings and property to others, non family related strangers in need.
But her family does not want to take care of her, at least the wealthy ones. So says living with he...
Was the penultimate visit the first time you met them? Some people are just not as friendly when it's the first meeting. It's also possible that they just felt more connected to you because there was the shared experience of your grandmother's death.I mean they looked at me but it may also have to do with me not able to speak the language well. I think I also gave off a 'I'm not comfortable talking, or I'm too out of place cause I'm American and young impression" 4 years ago. My grandma's youngest brother's sons whose age were close to mine and older were happy to acknowledge me and talk to me.
This year though, after my grandmother passed away I returned to be greeted with welcomes, and invitations to their homes whenever I came to visit again. I am not sure if my peaceful, pleasant "I'm Indian as well" impression mood helped this. It's probably a combination. Well, I'm a relatively nice person so there would be no reason not to invite me back. I mean complete strangers in the family (distant, by marriage relations) have liked me enough to invite me back to their homes.
I am also my grandmother's oldest grandchild, and who knows when I will go back. My mother gave no impression she will come back again. So they extended the invitation to me.
I was happy to be acknowledged even though it probably has greatly to do with keeping connections to our side of the family.
There was this one event with my grandmother's oldest sister. She's the healthiest out of all them as she entered old age. She is the oldest of them. She was a wealthy woman and a matriarch. She treated others badly without no apparent guilt. She was quite the opposite of my grandmother, my grandmother was strict but she was compassionate- she gave all of belongings and property to others, non family related strangers in need.
But her family does not want to take care of her, at least the wealthy ones. So says living with he...
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4) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:46:42 pm
Yes, 4 yrs ago was the first time I met them as an adult. As a child, I remember meeting the youngest sibling once. My mother tells me of how he visited whenever we came. He was the only one who ever visited us when we went to live grandmother's home when I was a child.
I agree with your last statement. Shared experiences like death can bring people-somehow-connected so much more closer.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:48:47 pm
re: comment#4
Yes, 4 yrs ago was the first time I met them as an adult. As a child, I remember meeting the youngest sibling once. My mother tells me of how he visited whenever we came. He was the only one who ever visited us when we went to live grandmother's home when I was a child.
I agree with your last statement. Shared experiences like death can bring people-somehow-connected so much more closer.
You were still very much like a stranger 4 years ago.I agree with your last statement. Shared experiences like death can bring people-somehow-connected so much more closer.
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6) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:53:20 pm
re: comment#5
You were still very much like a stranger 4 years ago.
Yes, a complete stranger. It's just a weird feeling to have with family members, even though they are extended. However, I tend to be like.."Hey, we don't have be strangers..let's be friends as soon as possible". So I get saddened when they aren't as friendly as I am.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:54:49 pm
re: comment#6
Yes, a complete stranger. It's just a weird feeling to have with family members, even though they are extended.
However, I tend to be like.."Hey, we don't have be strangers..let's be friends as soon as possible". So I get saddened when they aren't as friendly as I am.
I perpetually feel like strangers with the local extended family, but the ones in Canada felt like real family the first time I met them.However, I tend to be like.."Hey, we don't have be strangers..let's be friends as soon as possible". So I get saddened when they aren't as friendly as I am.
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8) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:59:44 pm
re: comment#7
I perpetually feel like strangers with the local extended family, but the ones in Canada felt like real family the first time I met them.
How was it any different with those in Canada?Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:06:35 pm
re: comment#8
How was it any different with those in Canada?
I think the problem is that I met the locals earlier in life. That was during my hiding phase. Some part of me still wants to hide from them. That problem was not present with the Canadians.no image
10) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:10:46 pm
agrees with: comment#9
I think the problem is that I met the locals earlier in life. That was during my hiding phase. Some part of me still wants to hide from them. That problem was not present with the Canadians.
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11) deleted, Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:41:56 pm
What are the Chinese euphemisms for death?
Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:57:51 pm
re: comment#11
What are the Chinese euphemisms for death?
The most common is "going beyond the body". "Rising up to the sky" is also fairly common. "Sky" is actually ambiguous because it can also mean "heaven".It can also be expressed as the person's name followed by a word that can mean "not" or "nonexistent" depending on context.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 9:07:56 pm
Why were special bowls reserved? Just something ceremonial because she was family?
Good story.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 9:08:30 pm
Also, I like the picture of the heart.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 9:31:26 pm
re: comment#13
Why were special bowls reserved? Just something ceremonial because she was family?
Good story.
It was more than just being family. We did not use those bowls when other family members visited. She was the oldest female member of the extended family who was still alive. That has special significance in a matriarchal society.Good story.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 9:31:32 pm
agrees with: comment#14
Also, I like the picture of the heart.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:09:06 pm
re: comment#15
It was more than just being family. We did not use those bowls when other family members visited. She was the oldest female member of the extended family who was still alive. That has special significance in a matriarchal society.
Interesting. I'll have to research this.
Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:59:00 pm
agrees with this post
Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:59:10 pm
disagrees with: comment#14
Also, I like the picture of the heart.
