A memory of my father
Fri Feb 4, 2011 4:10:43 pm

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My father was always distant and uncommunicative. He had daily conversations with my mother and one of my sisters, but he mostly ignored the rest of us. When I was a young boy, I yearned for some sign of affection. The signs were there, but they were always implied and never overt. In the summer of 1982, I got as close as I ever would get to him.

It began with playing Chinese Checkers alone. I had played many other games alone that are typically played by two people. My father rarely took notice. Chinese Checkers seemed to get his attention. He watched my games intently and eventually offered to play against me. In his typical fashion, no full sentences were spoken. He simply sat down and said "hey" while gesturing with his face to indicate that he wanted to play.

My father had developed his own variation to the rules of the game. I had no idea that it wasn't the standard way to play. I did not discover this until years later, when I tried to play a computer version of the game. I'm still not sure if this innovation of his was the result of a passion for the game or simply a misunderstanding. I am also still not certain if he played the games with me because he loved the game or because he loved me.

We played every night after dinner without a single word being spoken. This came to an abrupt end when school resumed in September. My mother insisted that I study despite the lack of need on my part. I mostly just watched television after dinner. In mid-October, my father vanished.

He left without saying anything to anyone other than my mother. I did not know that he wouldn't be returning until 7pm. That was the usual time that my mother went out to escort him home. My grandmother yelled at my mother for being late. My mother said he wouldn't be coming back. That night, my grandmother stayed up sitting at the window cursing at him for leaving again. Prior to this, I had not known that he had other disappearances. My sisters informed me of several similar disappearances in the past. This was the first and only one since I was born.

He spent a year in Iowa. Every month, he sent a large box with trinkets that he acquired. It also included a letter to my mother. I still don't know the details of why he left or what he did while he was gone. I only know that he was in Iowa because I read the return address on the boxes that he sent. It is a taboo subject that has never been mentioned by any family member. My sister once scolded me for almost mentioning it when my grandmother asked about how old a specific radio was. I was going to say that it was purchased in 1982 and I knew because my father bought it while he was in Iowa. It was clear, from the trinkets that he acquired and the birthday presents that he sent, that he was earning significantly more money. That was probably the reason that he left, but it doesn't explain why he didn't tell us.

A year later, there was an unexpected knock on the door. We never have surprise guests and the whole family minus my father was already at home. My mother told me to open the door. I thought it was very odd, because she is usually extremely wary of strangers who knock on the door. Her usual routine involves turning off all the lights and quietly approaching the door to look through the peephole. This time, she just asked me to open the door without checking first to see if it was safe. When I opened the door, I did not recognize the man who was standing there. It was my father. He had lost around 70 pounds and his face looked significantly older. I stood there confused for a while. He walked in without saying anything and my mother said to me "that is your father". I eventually realized that he was indeed my father, but part of me never accepted that. Some part of me thought that my real father was gone forever. This is another man and I will never seek his affections. And I never did.