About time to initiate the exercise phase

The world in flux
is numbers with units,
Quantities and imbalances
Formulas and models

But what it feels like,
Is pain

Had a good run where I didn't think about all the ways that relationships (platanic and non) have ended. It started nicely really. My first girlfriend lost weight was doing stage manager work, and had somehow friended one of my other friends completely at random. Maybe I am weird, but this makes me happy. Though maybe it makes me happy because I told myself it needed to end because 1) I had no significant emotions for her, and 2) that she would be happier in the long run without me. Most likely, it is rather all a selfish exercise because I am overstating my presence in someone's life, and of course they were going to continue on just fine.

The thing is, as I go over the awkward endings, I feel like there is a bitterness toward me. I was once thought of as sweet, but now they have come to realize that wasn't what I was at all. This leads to a pain born from somehow being an illusion at first, a mirage, and with time the false image will fade, replaced by reality.

The thought of being an illusion fills me with a desperate longing for any enchantments to go away. If I am to be anything, I wish to be something people can know easily and accurately, even if that accuracy means I am to be judged subpar. Upfront judgements I can handle, but judgements made about me in hindsight rend my heart in the most unfortunate ways.

And while usually this means eating a sammich while holding a soda and changing the radio station, today it does not. Today it means browse blogstalk while driving.

Currently at 300 pounds

and today is the day I start looking to knock that number down by a hundred