This is my third time waking up today. I first woke up at about 3am, in a pool of my own sweat. I stumbled to the kitchen to get some water and thought to myself 'hey, i'm starting to feel better! Actually, I don't even feel sick at all!'.

I should have stayed awake. Instead, I changed my sheet, flipped my sweaty pillow around and went back to bed. My next arousal came at 8:30. The first thing I noticed was that my throat felt like the devil was two-stepping on it. Then came the violent coughing and the pain. Pain all over. This continued for about ten minutes, then I decided 'to hell with 8:30' and I went back to bed.

I feel a bit better now. Better than I did yesterday, but not good enough to think I'm not gonna have at least one more night like that.

Now to find a way to pass the day. I spent all of yesterday watching the Graham Norton show on youtube.

Bleh.

is today's mission.

I am feeling under the weather. My muscles are jelly and my throat is sore. No fever. Yet.

So. Who is going to carry me to the kitchen so that I can make soup?

*waits for volunteers*

I bought a yoga mat today.

Now what?

Here is what you need to know. Sources can be found by doing an internet search, then ignoring the results and consulting YOUR SOUL.


1- World War 3 is coming. The Zionist illuminati have been plotting it for a very long time. Hitler was a pawn of the Zionist conspiracy, faking a holocaust so that jews would have an excuse to flee to the middle east (where they had obviously never been before) and no Jews ever died. EVER.

2- Barack Obama is a muslin. That is not a typo. He is actually the first invader from the planet Gryllax, from a society of warmongering aliens composed of 80% cotton. His wife and children are unsuspecting humans, a necessary deception because the men of Gryllax leave their women in kitchens, where they belong.

3- The Mayan Apocalypse is real, and is also the gay apocalypse. When 2012 ends, society as we know it will devolve to the primitive, feathered headdress-wearing, ostentatious jewelry- adorned, muscular, sweaty, glistening, shirtless and loinclothed Mayan way of life. All people will be forced to have gay sex and attend all-night drum parties/cave-painting classes. Jesus will cry.

4- Speaking of Jesus... it's Ron Paul. He's already here. He just, uhm, decided to shave. And be a hypocrite. And yes, this makes Rand Paul the grandson of god. So, you know, you should probably vote for him.

5- The reason that puppies are delicious is that the CIA marinates them in cocaine before baking them in Chris Christie's sweat and disguising them as bacon.

6- Mexico is actually Canada and Canada is actually Mexico. We can't let them find out that we secretly switched them. The consequences would be... well, minor. Because we could still blow them up. But we don't want to blow them up. YET. So, shhhh.

7- Fiat currency was designed to be the optimal method of spreading disease among the commoners. Only solid platinum Zionist DNA coded credit cards will be safe in the coming thinning of the herd.

8- Obviously, the 9/11 attacks were an inside job. But what you DON'T KNOW is INSIDE WHOM. The answer? The Zionist Tauntaun from Empire Strikes Back. That's right. Our entire universe is actually the left kidney of a rotting alien carcass on Hoth. This also explains Global Warming, btw. The lightsaber draws nearer. Once that lightsaber slices through our universe, we all die. Fortunately, it is happening at a relative speed that will take, like, at least another two or three generations. All of us (read- the good and smart people of now) will probably be looking forward to death by then.

9- Bowls are just cheaply manufactured hats. Soon, the sinister zionist bowl industrialists will purchase all hat companies and discontinue them, forcing us to buy their cheap products at hat-like prices. BEWARE.

10- There are no men in black. There are however men in light blue. They hang out at airports and scan everyone to make sure we aren't aliens. Also, they like looking at penises.

11- Zionists. They are out there. And they want to eat your children right out of your genitalia, and not in the pleasurable way. Have I mentioned them yet?

12- Women were invented to make babies. The proof is undeniable. They make babies, therefore that is what they are for. It's logical.

13- All dinosaur fossils are fake. Zionists again. There were no dinosaurs.

14- All Asians are descended from dinosaurs. You can tell because they graze gently and want to rule the world. Also, martial arts is a lot like Pterodactyls and Velociraptors.

15- Black people like getting shot. Otherwise, why would they do it so often? More logic. Irrefutable.

Remember to watch out for DECEPTIONS and trust your heart about what is true and what isn't. Your heart is the brain of your soul, after all.

Some days, you forget to put pants on.

If it is a good day, you will figure this out before you leave home.

...

Guess that makes today a pretty good day so far.